Annals of Tzar Donaldovitch

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The first in a series of short tales about the new Tzar at the head of the royal family now running a certain former great Republic.

 

After months of promising to Make Amerikov Great Again, the former billionaire name-brander, education-fraudster, and steak-oil salesman known as Donald Drumfk is now the Leader-Elect of the nation until recently known as the (“use-ta-be great”) USA. “There’s gonna be rebranding! Lotsa rebranding!” exclaimed Donaldovitch. “That old Amerikov was a disaster, so I’m gonna tear it up and start over. From now on, that old building down in Washington—dumpy old place, old, no glamour, all loser— isn’t gonna be used as the main palace. Too flat, looks like a building that’s trying to be tall by lyin’ on its side. I’m gonna live in Nueva Yorki, where things are really happening.   (See that smart rebranding I did there? New York was a disaster, just a disaster, ask anybody!) Me and the kids, we’re gonna use the old Washington place as our country dascha, you know, put in a big pool, really big pool, get some stags and… well…other deerlike… stuff… in case my pals from the National Rifle Secretariat want to come down on a Friday after a hard week of harassing Congress, for a little vodka and ka-bang, ka-boom. Speaking of which, we’re gonna rename that building where all the generals work. ‘Pentagon’ sounds like a place where a bunch of geometry nerds hang out. From now on, we’re gonna call it something sexy. Palace of the Grand Army? I’m working on it, it’s gonna be great. And we’ll get some real architects in there. People who know what a ninety degree angle looks like!”

This week’s surprises included the re-naming of Donaldovitch’s Cabinet. (“Cabinet is too confusing. A cabinet is a place where you keep stuff.”) Under the new regime, advisors to the Tzar will be called The Secretariat of People Not As Smart As Me, or PNASAM. Named to the PNASAM are prominent figures from the world of fantasy fiction, like Sarah (“I see Russia from my back window”) Palinova. Palinova is excited to be coming to Nueva Yorki. She’ll be able to bring her ski-doo from home, as Donaldovitch has promised unrestricted access to Centralski Park for Sarah and her kin.

The Secretariat of Learning is to be in the charge of Elana deVosinschka, who will take time off from her twice-daily prayer meetings at Our Lady of Perpetual Ignorance to enforce new Education priorities, such as a math curriculum dedicated to the measurement of Noah’s Ark, and a geology curriculum focusing on the tough question of How God Planted All That Fake Evidence.

Most importantly, Donaldovitch has created the position of Grand Visier, and appointed his stalwart commander Sven Bannonovski, formerly Chief Disseminator of Falsehoods.  It’s unclear what Bannonovski’s function is to be in the PNASAM, but there is speculation that he will spend his nights at Donaldovitch’s bedside whispering into his ear.  When Tzara Melanianska, the Royal Consort, was asked if this might be intrusive, she coyly responded, “I sleep through anything.  The Tzar, he like to tap on phone most nights anyhow.  I have good earplug.  Diamond.”

Tzarina Ivaka Donaldovna, Donaldovitch’s star daughter, posed for photographs, after arranging for new red carpeting to be installed at all of her father’s hotels, so state visits to Amerikov “can be kept in the family.”

 

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The Annals of El Presidente Donaldovitch II: “Hearts Purple With Pride.”

 

The Czar-Presidente has signed two new executive orders today that could, in his words, “be bigger than big!” The first appoints Czarina Melania to the newly-created position of Secretary of Fashion. The Czarina, whose remarks were mumbled owing to a facial injury apparently caused by “falling downstairs,” vowed to “make America Ten Again.” Before the luxury dinner celebrating this new Department’s rollout, the Czarina was towed down the Washington Mall atop Donaldovitch’s former private jet. It was pulled by a team of refugees hoping to gain enough favor with the current Administration to have their Green Cards recognized. The plane has been repurposed as a parade float, as El Presidente claims “I got a way better one now. Just needed to redo the décor. Too plain before, no round beds, no chandeliers. Now it’s all class!”

 

The hoopla surrounding this event almost overshadowed the second new Executive Order, supposedly penned by Stefan Bannovitch himself. It calls for a new Loyalty Test for American citizens. Simply put, every Americanski will be required to fire at least one bullet into a part of their bodies. This will “kill a few birds with one stone,” as Donaldovitch claimed as he waved the new Order above his head at the press conference. “First, it will stimulate the economy, increasing gun sales all across our beautiful country. Next, it will separate the real Americanskis from the fakers, and third, it will provide every red-blooded citizen with a life-long mark that proves their devotion! PLUS…” said the Czar-Presidente, pausing for effect, “every single citizen will be eligible for…wait for it… A PURPLE HEART!” Trump’s Mendacity Advisor, Kellyova Con-wry fainted at this point with an audible thump on the ground. (Asked about it later, she denied any fear of pointing a gun at her own body and pulling the trigger. “I was just so inspired,” she said, in a nasal tone so grating that paint peeled from the wall behind her.)

 

As for the Czar-Presidente’s own family, Donaldovitch assured the assembled journalists from NotsoBrite Bartnews that his whole family were “absolutely ready to take a bullet for our great nation. We’ll be discussing caliber at the next Cabinet meeting.” A staffer, who begged not to be identified whispered something about special “needle-width” bullets for the First Family. “They might be planning to combine it with their Botox procedures.”

 

Trump supporters have loudly proclaimed their support for the new initiative, claiming there will be “shootin-parties” all across the Republik. A poll of those who didn’t vote in the last election revealed that many thought it advisable to shoot themselves in the foot.

 

III

 

Annals of Il Presidente III

Orange is the New Black

 

The Czar-Presidente made headlines today when he attended ceremonies to celebrate Black History Month. The ceremonies were held in his private sauna, as the organizers of Black History Month had refused to reveal to the Czar-Presidente the location of the authentic opening ceremonies.

 

This did not deter Donaldovitch from making a few proclamations for the occasion. “That Martin Luther King guy had some good ideas, fantastic ideas. People have been saying they were very American ideas, about freedom, like the freedom to choose what kind of health care coverage you want your family to have. Take me, I don’t want any of that socialist medicine, where there’s a bunch of people in a room that looks like hell, cockroaches on the wall, you know. American hospitals are a mess. Public health is a disaster. I’m going to replace it with something fantastic. I’ll be making a big announcement. Tuesday. Or Wednesday.

 

“What? Oh, ya. Black History. There’s a lot of it, you know, everyone is saying so. There were some bad misunderstandings, bad people got involved. But you know, like, Rosa Parks and the X-man guy… Malcolm. They just kept asking politely until things changed. It was fantastic, really. Because prejudice is a terrible thing, really terrible. It’s like when all the fake-news people start ganging up. You want to see oppression? I’ll tell you about oppression! Oppression is when a bunch of East Coast media types keep picking on you, even after you’ve told them to shut up. Do I know what Rosa Parks went through? You think not being allowed to drive a bus even compares with the kind of oppression I’ve been going through since the election? And why? Because they’re a bunch of lying bastards, that’s why! They won’t accept that this country’s smallest, most oppressed minority has the right to govern! They oppress every rich person in this country the way the try to shut you up before you’ve even signed the first dozen Executive Orders.

 

I’m glad for the freedom we have to vote in this country. I wouldn’t have been elected if we didn’t have that freedom, and I want all my colored people to know. I stand with you. I mean, I’m a few floors above you, but I’m with you. God Bless Amerikov!

 

(A big thanks to Chalaundrai for the title!)

 

 

The Annals of Donaldovitch: IV “It was a massacre.”

 

Things in the Republik of Amerikov continue to go “fantastically great” according to Czar-Presidente Donaldovitch, as latest polls show his popularity dropping below that of the Dogfaced Shitgibbon, a creature so disliked by other gibbons that they hurl faecal matter at any member of the species that shows up at a watering hole.

 

Donaldovitch was responding to allegations of blank-faced lying on the part of his team after Kellyova Con-wry, spokesperson for his PNASAM (People Not As Smart As Me) team was again under attack for referring to the Bowling Green Massacre, an event that apparently took place in an alternate reality to the one experienced by ordinary people (the ones who, for example, possess that troublesome human organ commonly referred to as a “conscience”).

 

The Czar-Presidente was not ruffled by this addition to recent history, and in fact pointed out the ignorance of the press for confusing Bowling Green, Kentucky with the bowling green located Ms. Con-wry’s parents’ old folks home in Damned Lies, Florida. “She was talking about the terrible, terrible job the immigrant green-keepers did, applying so much insecticide to the lawn that it was like a massacre. Terrible! Bad! Fake News!”

 

Stephen Bannovski, newly named duel Minister of Propaganda/Minister of Black Ops in the PNASAM, announced the formation of yet another new agency under the direct control of the Executive Branch. Henceforth to be named the Ministry for the Invention of Massacres, it is to be headed by none other than Con-wry herself. At an interview with CNN, who are still inexplicably giving broadcast time to her skull-shaped visage, she claimed “The M.I.M. is going to be very active. Already we have plans to imagine the Massacre of Innocent White People By Agents of Martin Luther King, the Massacre of Innocent Prison Guards at Treblinka, and the Massacre at “Me Lie,” where vicious Vietnamese children murdered hundreds of U.S. servicemen. There’s going to be more outrages committed against god-fearing citizens than you can shake a schtick at!”

 

When Ms. Con-wry was asked if this wasn’t just out-and-out lying, she shot back in the offended, wheedling tone that has become her beloved trademark, “I don’t know how you can even say that, when Hillary’s emails… were… existing.”

 

When Bannovski and Donaldovitch were seen in the halls of the Presidential Dacha (the building formerly known as the White House), they were laughing maniacally and slapping each other on the back. One Dacha staff member, who begged our correspondent to swear on the grave of his mother not to be identified, said they were saying something to each other that sounded like, “that’ll keep ‘em guessing!” That seems certain to be the only purely truthful statement to have emerged from the mouth of the Czar-Presidente since that remarkable day on January 20th when millions of invisible supporters sung joyful hymns of celebration at his Coronation Ceremony.

 

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